We...

…wish you a MERRY CHRISTMAS

And a happy new year!

Thankful.

I'm not sure how to tackle this post.

Remember when I wrote about how hard it is to be a mom and how difficult it is for me to let go of the fight to control my world and protect my girls? Well, promptly after publishing that post, those words came back to smack me in the face.

It started on the Monday night before Thanksgiving when we noticed that Poppy felt warm. By Tuesday evening she was burning up, wouldn't take Tylenol, and ended up in our room for the night. At 1:30 am, she had a febrile seizure.

This was the most terrifying thing Bry and I have experienced as parents. Her whole body went rigid and started jerking, her eyes rolled back, she stopped breathing and started to turn the most horrible shade of grey blue that you can imagine. That's when Bry called 911.

I was mostly useless during this time. I think I opened some windows, but for the most part just kept saying Poppy's name over and over, every once in a while adding in something helpful like, "She's not breathing!" Thankfully I pulled some pants on before the fireman and paramedics appeared in our room. (They were very fast!)

She came out of it alright but continued to stare blankly for about another 15 minutes, not able to hear us or respond. It was very strange to see her like that. The whole thing created some vivid mental images that keep reappearing in my head.

After that, the next couple of weeks were a blur. Poppy's fever continued to rage, and it was a constant battle of trying to force what felt like hundreds of medications down her and talk her into letting us take her temperature. She is NOT a good patient. We would watch her through the night, setting our alarm for half-hour segments, paranoid she would have another seizure. We went too many nights without enough sleep. There was a trip to the Urgent Care in there somewhere too, because of course it was Thanksgiving weekend and the pediatrician's offices were closed. Thank goodness for Bry's family, who was such a support while we were in Bluffton for the holiday, and who even came to stay overnight with us. And to my BIL, Dr. Luke S., who answered all my worried phone calls.

It turns out that Poppy had multiple infections (ear, pinkeye, and painful stomatitis blisters all around her mouth), layered on top of a really bad cold. She was a mess, and I think her little body just wasn't able to fight it all off. Cetty caught the cold and the pinkeye too. When they were finally coming out of it, Bry and I were hit with some other nasty bug, probably due to lack of sleep…and maybe stress. This led to more sleepless nights. We're still sick, but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

So that's been life for us. Basically, torture. But I can't help feeling like there is something I'm supposed to learn in all of this. Maybe something more about control and fear and letting go so I can trust God. Maybe something about being thankful. I know that ever since Poppy's fever finally broke, I've experienced new levels of thankfulness, and just overall immediacy. I've prayed things like, "Thank you that you've given me today with my girls." Even if it would happen to be the last one.

Since then I've asked myself if I would be able to love and trust God if Poppy died (or Cetty or Bry). It is scary how unsure I am of the answer. I think that means I have some idols that need to be torn down.

I know we've all heard that every day is a gift (and so is our health!), but I'm actually sort of understanding that lately. I feel really blessed to just be able to hold my girls and kiss them and read stories with them. All I know is that I'm seeing the moment I have in front of me a little bit more clearly…and I've said "I love you" a LOT recently.

Eight Months

What Cetty has been up to…

+ Standing on her own

+ Repeating sounds after us

+ Still waking up in the middle of the night to eat

+ Sleeping scrunched into a tiny ball with her adorable bum up in the air

+ Continuing to be our little chilled out, easy-to-please, angel baby

For My Blog Friends...

I am currently obsessed with:  I'm not really an obsessive type of person. I like balance. Anytime that I sense that I'm becoming even slightly obsessed with something, I cut back on it. Or I just get bored with it. So maybe I'm obsessed with balance. 

My biggest pet peeve is: Hmm. I hate it when people don't answer me when I'm talking to them. OK, maybe just when Bry does that. I also really don't like it when people are rude to strangers (or to anyone, I suppose). It just doesn't seem that hard to me to be polite, patient, and kind in public. I have a much harder time with that at home...

I could eat an endless supply of: Pasta, good bread, couscous, rice...carbs in general

I am currently reading: I just finished, Nothing to be Afraid of by Julian Barnes (SUCH a clever, intelligent writer, though some of his content is definitely a little sketch). And I just started, Autobiography of a Face by Lucy Grealy. I'm doing a lot of reading about death and illness for my grad school program...so yeah, it's a party over here.

My bedtime recently has been: Usually after midnight, though we're TRYING to get to bed earlier so we can survive past 40.

The last movie I watched was: Skyfall (yes, we're pretty behind in the movie world due to the fact that we seldom have time to actually sit down for that long)

I am writing this while: Poppy is playing upstairs in her room and Cetty is napping. So, I should probably be using this rare bit of quiet time to read the Bible or clean the house or something. Update: Poppy is now sitting on my lap, singing a little made up song, holding my fingers back from the keyboard, and pushing random buttons. (so you can blame all typos on her)

The scripture that is really speaking to my heart is: I'm reading through Captivating with my ladies' Bible study group and working through Matthew with BSF. So I've been learning a lot about Jesus' ministry and also about how God designed a woman's heart to mirror his own and offer something beautiful and valuable to the world. Both studies have been amazing in different ways.

On days when I don’t leave the house, I: This actually happens quite frequently for me. Going out with the girls seems like a lot of work and I don't feel the need to be around people constantly, so if I don't have a good reason to go out then I usually don't. When I'm home I'm busy trying to keep the girls fed, happy, and feeling loved...and I manage to accomplish surprisingly little beyond that. Maybe I'll read something, clean something, email someone, or make baby food. Or maybe not.

If I could hug anybody today, it would be: My Poppyseed, my Cettybugs, or Bry are all very nice to hug.

Being a Mom

Oh my goodness. So, I've decided that being a mom is hard.

Yes, it's physically draining. The lack of sleep combined with the daily monotonous tasks of lugging fifty-pound car seats around, cleaning up yet another dirty face (or diaper, or dish, or pile of toys...), and completing the sacred rituals required for finally putting your children to bed at the end of a looong day can feel like it's slowly sucking the life out of you. Can I get an 'amen' on that?

But it's the mental gymnastics that really wear a person out. There's just so much to worry about. Are they still breathing? Will this plastic give them cancer? Should I take them to the doctor for this? Why don't my children ever want to eat? (unless it's the middle of the night, of course) Should I vaccinate them? Am I disciplining enough? Am I disciplining too much? Am I disciplining correctly? Am I showing my girls how to respect and love their husbands? Am I showing them the truth and power of the gospel? And what kind of world are they going to have to survive in twenty years from now?

I know it's wrong to worry and that I'll destroy myself and everything around me if I try to control it all. That's not my job. I know it means that I'm not trusting God. Not to mention that it's pointless. So I remind myself again that these are God's children. He's in control, so I can relax and enjoy them.

But then things happen. Such as...Poppy shattering a glass of smoothie all over the counter and my laptop a couple of days ago. I was not relaxed about this, nor did I enjoy her at this moment. No, I was very annoyed. And I had to apologize to her later for not being more patient. She graciously forgave me and then asked, "You need to be happy even when I break things?" Yes. I do. Kids can be so convicting.

OK, but that's not the story. Last night, I looked over and saw that Cetty had blood dribbling down her chin. I jumped up and started searching for where she might have hurt herself. It didn't look like anything was wrong. It must be coming from inside her mouth, I thought. Then I noticed that she was chewing on something. That's when I reached in and pulled out a sizable shard of razor sharp glass. What in the world?! I somehow missed this after sweeping twice. I mean come on, I even mopped yesterday (a very rare occurence). What would have happened if she had swallowed it?

So, I guess the moral of this little story is that there is nothing I can do to keep my kids completely and entirely safe. Not even inside my own home. In fact, this shouldn't even be the goal, because life isn't about being safe.

This, to me, is the hardest part of being a mom. It's the part where you have to surrender it all to God, and I'm finding out that I'm not always so good at that.

That Vacation We Went on a Long Time Ago

Way back in August, when the days were nice and warm, my family took our annual trip to Hilton Head. It was a different sort of year. With 15 grandkids now, and four babies under a year old, we spent more time just trying to survive at the house together (yes, we were all in one house). It was slow paced and hectic at the same time. 

But there were still beach days, and lots of swimming in the pool for the kids, and meals followed by good talks around the table, and the girls' shopping day and Starbucks run, and the boys' basketball game, and Bry and I even snuck in a lunch date.

First day on the beach...

Luca and Poppy making a run for it

Digging her toes in the sand for the first time

Willem and Poppy

Hannah (our wonderful nanny!) teaching Poppy to "surf"

Alesa, Greyson, and Ellie

Her favorite thing this year was finding treasures on the beach

Our night for dinner: fish tacos, mango salsa, charred zucchini, and coconut tres leches cake

Mimi love

Adrian being Adrian

The girls!

Our little family of four in the South Carolina sun

More treasures

Ellie and Poppy

The path to the ocean

Coffee shop with the girls

Andria

Mia, Kaitlin and Mom...cute, cute.

My hot date

And a sign I liked next to our couch at the coffee shop

Our attempt at a family photo in the rain. Craziness.

Another year come and gone. I love traditions...and Hilton Head is an especially good one.

Seven Months

What Cetty has been up to...

+ Pulling herself up on everything and proving to be quite the little daredevil

+ Making a mess with oatmeal cereal, but eating it better than her sister did

+ Climbing up stairs, and falling down them (yikes) 

+ Becoming quite the finicky sleeper. Only her own crib will do, thank you!

+ Passing her echo with flying colors (her VSD has now officially closed up!)

Growing up fast, but still not too old for this...

Back to the Windy City

Bry turned 30 this year. Monumental. I thought about throwing a surprise party, since that seems to be the thing to do for thirtieth birthdays, but decided to plan a day at the Art Institute instead because that sounded like more fun. 

Most people probably wouldn't suspect that Bryan, the CPA, likes art museums. But he really does, which I think is rather wonderful. He also writes poetry from time to time. (Seriously. But don't tell him I told you that.) No, not your ordinary accountant.

Sam and Kait also surprised him by "just happening" to show up at the same coffee shop in Chicago and then spent the day with us. I enjoyed Bry's confused face expression when they walked up to our table. 

So now for the pictures...

Had to visit this one.

 Hopefully this isn't what Bry and I are starting to look like now that we're finishing up our twenties (though for the record, I'm only 26).

This was a really good special exhibit (girls may have enjoyed it a tad more than the boys).

 Japanese art...for Sam.

Poppy was with Bry's parents, but we had the pleasure of this little lady's company for the day.

So maybe everyone is right...she does look a bit like her daddy. Fine by me.

 Horribly blurry, but the best we have of all of us. Love these guys!

 And then he had to ruin this one with a weird face. Boys...

As for the babies on the way to dinner...

 Guess all that deep pondering over art did them in.

Good restaurant!
(though it would have been more relaxing if Cetty hadn't blown out of her diaper all over the place during the main course)

Wells in the mirror

Loved the sun setting on our walk back to the car.

 And this may be my favorite picture... 

Studs with strollers. Don't they make fatherhood look epic? Walking the next generation straight into the future...(insert dramatic theme music here)

So that was our day. And Bry seemed to like it. Though I have to admit that it was a teensy bit selfish on my part. I've had the travel bug pretty bad lately and thought a trip to Chicago might help. It did...but just a little.

Happy birthday, Babe. May your thirtieth year be the best one yet!